disapointment appointment
as always he is just not there for me-i really thought that this time we would actually be able to move ahead and work things out. but no tody i have an --no should now say had-an interveiw to go on. all i asked was that he take the day off and help me prepare that night before-all was good for the past few days until last night. he came home with this chip on his shoulder now honestly-wtf? i honestly cant tell u why he acted so immaturely or why it lasted until about an hour ago-not even. i think hes crazy,jealous,and for the most part doesnt really give a shit about me any more. i have noticed this change for awhile now and tried to break this up but he constantly feels the need to keep me under lock and key. i have never had long relationships because of crap like this. needless to say the one before him was 10xs worse but them again i was young and we were friends. this is horrible in the fact that we are not friends-we were at one point but not any more.everyone is beginning to see his true side and they tell me to move on and i want to but he knows just how to play mind games with me and make me feel like im nothing. im a very small person but i always thought big of myself and he totally took every bit of me away. im not myself i dont know who or what i am anymore. he wants me to fill this premade mold he has waiting for me but truth is -i will never fill it. im worth too much more then he wants me to be. i think that he has mental problems in the fact that when i out do him in any aspect of anything he gets mad.like the job-a job a billion times better then his crappy position-not even congrats or a smile he just yelled at me about totally insignificant things and i really dont know why.it hurt so much.for the past 2 months i dont have conversations with him because i can only get at most 4 words out then he cuts me off.he does not and will not accept the fact that i have feelings-ok listen im not girly with oh woe is me feelings -let me explain ....its like if i say-i feel sick-he'll say no u feel fine-if i feel like i dont like something he'll say no you like it-like he is trying to program my emotions. (sorry its too early to try to explain logically lol)the thing is you cant tell anyone how to feel or when to feel itand he thinks hes almighty or something. he really does play mind games yet says no i am the one doing it. i realize that i have faults but thats his down fall. he cant accept that he does. I've been ready to move on for months now yet he won't let me or gets so vicious it hutrs or makes me think that im making all this shit up. We are not progressing and i doubt that we ever will. We just grew apart we're different i cant sit back anymore- his job is crap and he will never upgrade yet wont leave. its baffling really.I haven't talked to anyone about this stuff because i like to keep my problems private. He in turn tells everyone so when we fight he turns around and says "well me and everyone else thinks..." that kills me-like hes talking to others about our problems and they are siding with him making me look stupid. i moved here and i dont have friends up here all my friends are in my hometown so it hurts to be judged by people who dont know the true me-just the person that he is making me out to be. and honestly i am not that way-u dont like me great i wont give a shit but for some crazy reason this hurts, this gets to my core, this kills me. and god forbid i cry or look like im about to-and really, guys never made me cry but he does and he doesn't care. ya know what --its not any of this crap that got to me it was the fact that when my Nani passed away and i needed that shoulder to cry on -someone to be there for me he wasnt. thats it he wasnt-told me not to cry and made it to be it was my fault or something. like i didnt love her -i just wasnt good enough to be upset.yet when his brothers girlfriend tells him about her grandma passing he can go into this hour long conversation about it and cut me off when i try to say my story. like when his grandfather died it was the end of the world and noone will ever experience greif like him. since then i realized that if he cant help me through something that difficult for me then he never will. everything has to put him in the spotlight or its not worth his time. and yeah our anniversary passed and yet again nothing...that hurt but i kinda knew to expect it. i am through i dont love him any more i know what kinda guy im looking for now-i just hope that ill be lucky to get him eventually. i dont need prince charming i just need myself back. the me who always had fun,made everyone laugh, eveyone came to for advise, the go getter-the strong minded beautiful girl i thought i was. i need me back.
posted by PlatinumStar @ 4/27/2006 10:11:00 AM
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