honestly I don’t know anymore…………………………………
This morning I could not open my eyes at all. Luckily last night I was able to fall asleep. But not after my attempts where put to a halt because roomie came home. Like nothing has happened at all this past week. I honestly believe that he must have short term memory loss or something. Then finally after I snuggled in bed put my head on the pillow my friggin cell rings-of course I know who this was. The one friend that I had talked to earlier in the day who coulda gave a shit less about everything. Not like I tell her anything personal that affects my life or relationship anymore because she usually brushes me off so like I get it now. But still it kills me. I mean I may be a honestly straightforward person but im not heartless. Yet people never cease to amaze me.Since I now have 2 weddings in 2 weeks I finally came to the conclusion that my life cant be that bad –really. I mean damn I could try to be putting together a lie-I mean wedding together. The cream on the cake is he is my date to both and I am supposed to smile. This is when some magic should happen n a guy should appear to save the day. The first “gorgeous” dress I had for wedding 1 is now a dress that makes me look 10 my little back dress lost its umph and the plum one looked spectacular as the loser in me strutted the empty house seeing how awesomely fantastic I felt. Words still cannot describe how hot I looked and for once in a long time felt. So to make my self feel better I put on a cute skirt outfit –but that lasted an hour. Listen –if u wore skirts your whole entire school career you wouldn’t want to wear them ever again either.
So I now have the great urgency to find another dress asasp!
Talked to one of the lovely liars today-funny how alike we are but of course sans the lies. Sometimes people get in so deep. But info today was how the rents are still making crap about missy and her need to be part of a family that she isn’t even a part of! Damn man why did I have to pick the one person in the world that has the most screwed up family ever. I mean as a family –parents-siblings and their significant others-I can’t believe the gossip lies fights drama n more that accompanies ever discussion and or moment involved within the family. They are f'kin psycho! I have no other words to say that’s mainly it in a nut shell. Yet it doesn’t really say much for the fact that I now have the fabulous honor of spending the next 2 horrifying weekends in their presence with a “smile” on my face. Riiiiiiiiight!
Now I can go into my true matter regarding the first of the month. Not only the fact that it is rent day- it is –was- supposedly the only day of the whole month that I should be looking forward too. The one special day to rekindle old feelings and memories and maybe have a nice romantic dinner out. Yeah it was an anniversary. But what the hell right-get over it. But I think I would if the rent doesn’t remind me of it every month! Boy was I a fool in every aspect u could think of. April was hard to get through and get over it hurt I won’t lie but then I finally realized that it is in face over with and has been for some time and that it is finally time to move on all-round. I will never totally get over this one because of one little thing but then again it will come again maybe but the other thing will always tie us together and I really hope that in the future the next one will not use that against me. really its scary I haven’t been on a date in years haven’t been with someone else for so long-how will men react now-im not a teenager anymore im legal-and open but I don’t know if others will be and my definite lack of trust of others will really come back now. I mean the first time I open myself up to trusting someone and look what happens. Pure utter disaster. I doubt ill ever be right again but no one really needs to know every feeling going through this orbit of mine. Yet I believe that I will in fact suffer with finding the bottom of the barrel and never find the perfect guy or if in fact I do he will not be able to accept my ordeal .I’m a mess lately I haven’t been like this for years. my flowered friend turned around to me the other day and said something that almost broke me –she said that “you never let a guy so this to you before-you were always so strong-letting them chase you and getting rid of them before damage could be done what happened to you?” honestly I don’t know anymore…………………………………
posted by PlatinumStar @ 5/01/2006 06:08:00 PM
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