the end has come
hey its me i now know that its over. talking about lies.... i cant get rid of it. roomie is done with i cant believe this lie now. ur sleeping with the enemy now--like i am not that incredibly dumb ur only unstairs like i wouldnt notice. ur mouth is the size of texas and u cant hide it its your voice your trademark. u can only get so far. maybe im just imagining it but i doubt it im usually 100% right 99.9% of the time. but come on i may be young in your eyes but my itellect is way beyond yours and will always be no matter whatthe hell u think of me. i needto get over itbut it might obviously take a long while. doll face more men should have ur nature in them but i doubt it. beer is mine tonight wow fantastic but what ever itll help change my novel.
a friend of mine that was planning on becoming a lawyer told me that i cant truely base novel 1 on my life cuz i might get sued. well there goes the truth in it! i have no worries it can be altered, but the true srtories can not it then would be ficticious and that is not an option. novel 2 qill in its entirety be fiction my character is loveable yet in he end hated but she is definitely not me. i do not have family issues as she does. that one i can see becoming a movie eventually hopefully. its ingenious truely! my really masterpeice --my life in my eyes is pure comedy--the prom well maybe even both-comedy that will not and can not change. i see that one becoming 2 books and not one it is vast and my own personal changes can not be categorized as one sole book. the web structure cannot accomedate the 2nd half that will be the shell concept. where the helli came up with that idea i dunno. my creativity was masterful at best. that -my works- just indeed made me feel better. a little.
everyone always said that i should be the one to write it all down--i regret that i did not at an earlier date but my memory serves me well and it is as vivid as I am.
to turn a page to a new chapter
so in recent news everyone is now set on there way to solving there problems and dr star can rest peacefully. well not until i solve my own shit first. its a never ending battle between my strong headed side and the side that really does in factgive a shit way too much. i am strong-i am the one everyone looks up to as such.But at times whih is like every couple of months or so i begin to crack and change my thoughts about my self and really break myself down--and when i dont have the consolation prize of niceness and friendship/love and appreciation i fall from grace and run the water works.why? havent got a clue its like a river that must take its course no matter how strong the dam may be. i hate feeling weak its not appetising-do me a fave im like not even alive right now so dont mind my gramatical errors if u find them cuz i cant honestly care less how i spell.
i do find it normal that this occurs-i am human and believe it or not i do have feelings even if i dont show then even to myself. how long can u hide before u find urself? i havent wrote my book in awhile and i feel as if i have let myself down -yes writters block sucks but i mean thats not even an excuse now-i just have no motivation due to the lack of appreciation from teh one almighty sourse that i need it from at this point. i hate when the people i want to help me dont even recognize their position in my life and i also give up on them. i cannot and will not have people in my life that cannot find themselves and want to drag the world down with them at all costs. i dont suck like they do i will not succumb to their stupidity adn i pride my self with teh fct that i am highly intelligent and have the air of sophistication that i want to have. who gives a shit how much money you have- i feel money does not buy love nor sophistication-its you mind your well being that is what bys it --it is how you in fact carry ur self in thefriggnin world. if u carry ur self like ur crap then thats what u are--if u carry urself like a million buck then thats what u will be shown as. its not smugness-its self pride and love of ones self. i have been told that maybe i do that too much but in fact i find that i dont do that enough. i have been blessed to have found people of diverse backgrounds of work that have in fact shown me how to be as a person. ur only a star when u make ur self to be one. and i will be that star...........i will not sit back and take the backseat in my own life. why ask for water when u can have wine? why be someone else when u have to be you and can because who the hell else can u be?
i am feed up with lies liars and the rest getting their way due to the fact that the lie made their life. i will not lie i will not change i am...ME... and like i have said befoe i dont find the friggin need to lie about anything. i love to tell people my thoughts and stories lie free i am npot scared to tell someone off or tell that exact evidence of something. also the fact being that these liars are never caught by anyone and i really dont understand why? i see the lie i know the truth even if they havent spoke the words of it. but others will sit back and accept bs. not i my friends not i. i severely feel as if i do not belong with in this grouping of mere mortals whop beleive they will live for ever with the gods. they should take acceptance of the graves they are digging for themselves --but actually again all others should take the acceptance as well. but it will never be................
heres to the new chapter.....i must finally continue.........hope i have enough ink.
patience is not a virtue
well at least not one that i have cuz i hate waiting it annoys me-i want what i want when i want it-----funny thing i just realized that i did not have my own personal copy of my movie and just ordered it for myself. thats felt good-i love online shopping it beats the hell out of goin to the friggin mall! one prob cant buy clothes -need to try them on-- n shoes --whatever but yea i am in waiting right now- will it be ? dunno ttfn
ok i did it again
ok so i emailed said boy again. i hope i wasnt rude or anything im just highly fascinated by his personality. i know sounds odd ball but whatever. but if ya dont know if u dont try right? and who knows maybe ill make a very interesting friend out of it. that would be nice cuz lately all the people i meet are so simple minded cookie cutter-esque morons that i really cant stand it. or the ones that demean you and really think that the are superior its weird. i mean i give everyone a chance and it irks me that some people dont even try anymore. sad really-but i honestly do believe that there has to been people of caliber in the world people that you can been intrigued and informed by. interesting folk -people that wanna have fun! haha i really do need a good night on the town asap. i know eli is down but to get her without the usual gang of men that might be the difficult part. we discussed today a semi plan about jeting away to cali for july. 5th-12th wow sounds amazing. do the whole touristy thing-disney-holly-las vegas-maybe i should start packing now im getting antsy. flower friend wants me to go to florida but i think she really just wants me to go live down there and believe me given the proper resources i totally would if i knew for a fact that my life would get better with the wave of a credit card and many miles between. i mean what the hell right if i dont give it a chance i'll never know but then again an hour is different then a plane flight. more expensive too. ehhhhhhhhhhhh........im thinking of a bottle tonight ..magic eightball says red-sounds good. but vodka sounds abit more enticing-vanilla-that sounds like a plan or maybe the peach/mango margarita i saw on tv. but man i know what happened last time i had margaritas well the last 2 times -ok everytime. vodka-yes.
so anywho--ill wait n hope but to be realistic i am not getting my hopes up-not going to push thhe envelope so to speak. che sera sera!
after a long sleep(forgot to publish this one)
yea i finally went to bed last night to be awoke @ 2 by roomie. at least someone has a life. hehe -well i forgot to tell u that in all my happiness and frustration i talked to the one of the 2 lovely liars and was told that they are happily getting married now on next month or the following. just 20 people -immediate family and i am one of them how sweet. now i have 2 weddings in like 2 weeks of each other and thats gonna suck cuz being tiny and skinny i have lots of trouble finding clothes let alone dresses. i get tis the downfall of the metabolism-nothing can go right. but good thing is that they are both gettting married at restaurants that i know have ggod food and i will definitely chow down dance drink--yes "eat drink and be merry" that was my call line for the xmas season but really it was i who did thoes things. and the drama continues...............
at least its a happy drama so .......eh.....its friday that weekend and i actually am not looking forward to another disappointing week end. i totally need someone to have a good sensible -scratch that - just a good time with -if u aim low u really cant get that disappointed. tonight is yet another wedding expo-i dunno why i love keeping track of wedding crap considering that i will never get married any time soon. but one can only dream. LL2 said that her moms doing all the wedding planning. fantastic-i can care less about weddings really -it just depresses me- am i the only one? i mean really i never growing up had this picture purfect idea of my wedding- on the contrary i just always envisioned my perfect guy. yet to find proof of my dream. in my visual sight that it.
me again
ya know for some strange reason when it rains it friggin hurricanes-this past week had its ups and downs-ok im lying it had many downs but really i did have to help my flower friend alot with her problems and i really didnt care i mean its my job as a friend/sister but really i had alot to deal with not only the fact of things in my life but all the other outside influences. i feel as if when i go through things my close circle of friends (who are of no relation to one another)-all have sever issues to deal with. and for the most part we all get so caught up in the drama of these event. then as normal people do 2 or 3 days later it all blows over or it vanishes from memeory just to be brought up in future references. guys kill me, i mean ill never understand so what ever but kudos to my girl that is a giant men disposer. i mean more men then she uses kleenex. both being soft and dispossable. but i actually have a concious and morale. what ever- better her then me. then one is married- and that kills me- its not easy to deal with cuz u cant say "break up with him" i mean god its a marriage now. sometimes i think that i always help them because it helps me to forget my shit and lets me be who i am -the mentor mmoderator and psychiatrist friend that they all love and respect. but it seems as if i will never find a true genuine person that i can go to in my time of need. crazy huh?
in recent news as i said before -i did find a "real guy" in someone even if i dont know him he really did put a smile on my face with just a few simple words that boosted my ego a little. a incredibly big thank you goes out to you doll- u know who u are! yet i will never find a clone of him ever--humm wheres my chemistry set....
the fisherman set sail tonight and i really couldnt give a rats ass.
i talked to my friend on tuesday and that was nice but also made my other best guy friend call me probably wanting to know all the conversation details which really didnt amount to much -ya know that catch up rambles of 2 friends who havent seen each other in years but it made me happy to know that hes alive and well.
i got drunk and i guess said too much shit to me roomie and that was bad. i totally woke up in my clothes and knew straight away that was a bad sign.i remebered the beginning of our convo but not the end...i should definitely stick to my wine from now on........
i also realized today out of utter bordom that fact that my movies are really publicized on the net. which scares me a little cuz they have cult followings and are now out in germany with subtitles. it amuses me that some girl actually sat in a studio and did a german me voice! kool yet krazy.
i just talked to my sis about the crap that accumulated since our last talk and for once all day i laughed about it all. it felt good to have my sides hurt with the pain of laughter-good hearty laughter-also i had wayyyy tooo much coffee today and am still wide awake--not kool.
the morale of the day is==no coffee after 6-if you need to do something do it-ned to get stuff out have a good cry, you'll eventually laugh about it all and yes there are nice guys out there in tvland. goodnight--i hope ................
ahhh there are real men out there
wow for having an incredibly horrible day i have to say that i have the biggest chessiest grin on my face! hahaa all i can say is he really is a doll!
I think im blushing.........
Call me crazy but having met so many diverse celebrities with my work in Marketing I feel that they are nothing to get flustered over. They are normal human being just like the rest of us-just some have ego problems. But still-I had the honor of meeting my favorite band of all time-Orgy- and they were so true and genuine it totally humbled me. It’s been years since I saw them and since I never had loss of breath over dealings with bands. That is my job, what I want to do with the rest of my life, it is fun and interesting and -they are people too. So I guess that’s why I just totally emailed this quote unquote TV star and divulged my respect and admiration for him. Even I have to laugh a little. Crazy maybe but I do believe that if in fact he his humble as most people I have meet are he will maybe email me back. LOL I guess a b-movie girly can only hope. But if by chance he does come across this blog I hope he understands my true genuine admiration. And who knows maybe we will be able to savor a glass or 2 together some day in the future. ;)
Ps no I haven’t started drinking today if u need to know! haha
disapointment appointment
as always he is just not there for me-i really thought that this time we would actually be able to move ahead and work things out. but no tody i have an --no should now say had-an interveiw to go on. all i asked was that he take the day off and help me prepare that night before-all was good for the past few days until last night. he came home with this chip on his shoulder now honestly-wtf? i honestly cant tell u why he acted so immaturely or why it lasted until about an hour ago-not even. i think hes crazy,jealous,and for the most part doesnt really give a shit about me any more. i have noticed this change for awhile now and tried to break this up but he constantly feels the need to keep me under lock and key. i have never had long relationships because of crap like this. needless to say the one before him was 10xs worse but them again i was young and we were friends. this is horrible in the fact that we are not friends-we were at one point but not any more.everyone is beginning to see his true side and they tell me to move on and i want to but he knows just how to play mind games with me and make me feel like im nothing. im a very small person but i always thought big of myself and he totally took every bit of me away. im not myself i dont know who or what i am anymore. he wants me to fill this premade mold he has waiting for me but truth is -i will never fill it. im worth too much more then he wants me to be. i think that he has mental problems in the fact that when i out do him in any aspect of anything he gets mad.like the job-a job a billion times better then his crappy position-not even congrats or a smile he just yelled at me about totally insignificant things and i really dont know why.it hurt so much.for the past 2 months i dont have conversations with him because i can only get at most 4 words out then he cuts me off.he does not and will not accept the fact that i have feelings-ok listen im not girly with oh woe is me feelings -let me explain ....its like if i say-i feel sick-he'll say no u feel fine-if i feel like i dont like something he'll say no you like it-like he is trying to program my emotions. (sorry its too early to try to explain logically lol)the thing is you cant tell anyone how to feel or when to feel itand he thinks hes almighty or something. he really does play mind games yet says no i am the one doing it. i realize that i have faults but thats his down fall. he cant accept that he does. I've been ready to move on for months now yet he won't let me or gets so vicious it hutrs or makes me think that im making all this shit up. We are not progressing and i doubt that we ever will. We just grew apart we're different i cant sit back anymore- his job is crap and he will never upgrade yet wont leave. its baffling really.I haven't talked to anyone about this stuff because i like to keep my problems private. He in turn tells everyone so when we fight he turns around and says "well me and everyone else thinks..." that kills me-like hes talking to others about our problems and they are siding with him making me look stupid. i moved here and i dont have friends up here all my friends are in my hometown so it hurts to be judged by people who dont know the true me-just the person that he is making me out to be. and honestly i am not that way-u dont like me great i wont give a shit but for some crazy reason this hurts, this gets to my core, this kills me. and god forbid i cry or look like im about to-and really, guys never made me cry but he does and he doesn't care. ya know what --its not any of this crap that got to me it was the fact that when my Nani passed away and i needed that shoulder to cry on -someone to be there for me he wasnt. thats it he wasnt-told me not to cry and made it to be it was my fault or something. like i didnt love her -i just wasnt good enough to be upset.yet when his brothers girlfriend tells him about her grandma passing he can go into this hour long conversation about it and cut me off when i try to say my story. like when his grandfather died it was the end of the world and noone will ever experience greif like him. since then i realized that if he cant help me through something that difficult for me then he never will. everything has to put him in the spotlight or its not worth his time. and yeah our anniversary passed and yet again nothing...that hurt but i kinda knew to expect it. i am through i dont love him any more i know what kinda guy im looking for now-i just hope that ill be lucky to get him eventually. i dont need prince charming i just need myself back. the me who always had fun,made everyone laugh, eveyone came to for advise, the go getter-the strong minded beautiful girl i thought i was. i need me back.
my lovely liars
Hi guys its me and today im going to rant about liars and the stupid messes people get themselves into.Well call it dumb but I myself have a very strong code of armor. I believe that there is no use in telling a lie. I mean any type of lie—yes even the ones to save ur own ass. Why? Because all they really do is make u lie even more so—if you just tell people the truth even if it hurts itll save u a lot of trouble in the end. Ok example-I have these two friends that got themselves intoa little baby minute (get the point) situation. They told every one that they in fact lost their little prob. But in fact they lost it by choice and now with the problem at hand again they are trying to do that again- problem is that’s gonna look incredible bad in everyone’s eyes because god cant grant your wishes twice unless its by choice .thing about this is I was one of the many who was told this little baby fib but since I am all knowing I kinda knew that it was all bullshit from the beginning and never really bought into the whole thing but “AS A FRIEND” played along with the lie. Whatever! Now I feel if that is a true friend or a person of quality they really wouldn’t lie to you and everyone else to their faces. Now answer me this – do you really think that u can trust this bunch of liars? Exactly my point. So moral of the day don’t lie kiddies –even if the truth sucks its better to not look like a goddamn liar! I am a really honest person and I really don’t care. Like I will tell u exactly how I feel when I feel it and really don’t care who will get pissed off, offended ect. I am real and have a really big mouth and that’s what I love about myself. Yes in fact this lost me a lot of friends but in my life it also gained me many friends who are just like me and we get along fine. If you cant take the truth-too bad. But if u can tell it like it is-ur my type of person. ***Star***
Star Shine
Hi I am Star and this is MY BLOG! (if ya didnt already know)- i finally deceided to give myself a little place on this place we can the web to get out all the ramdon stuff that is begining to cloud up my atmosphere. since at the present time i have to much going on and really noone specific to rant to ill let it all out on you guys that fall upon my site. please dont try to read into my words because honestly its going to be nothing more then my own gibberish. LOL. have fun! TTFN
