Psychic Psycho / Someone to Entertain my Mind
So today’s news- my sisters boyfriends sister (got that?) had a little girl. Crazy thing is I totally called the name of the baby yesterday. Weird because I don’t even know his sister, know what she looks like, ect. So why in the hell I randomly blurted an Italian name out on the phone yesterday and my sister tells me this morning that it was in fact the name of the newborn is just out of this world. I mean ok I dabble, if you can call it that, in the arts but I mean to go as far as calling out a name-that was so insane. I mean yes I can get vibes and can guess or “see” some things but never that dead on ever! For instance Frog wanted to know if he should go fishing the other night to catch stripers and I felt that he would-and he did- many of them. But that’s just a guess of my third eye-but a baby’s name….I scared myself.
No answer but looking online I could totally see why he wouldn’t even want to check his email at this point in time…due to all the “constructive criticisms” viewers of the world like to dish out about people that they think the know so much about just because they have been exploited by some editorial crew just to gain good ratings for their network. Wow that was a mouthful. Ok maybe it was the fact that I have had stuff like that brought up to me by various people but in all honestly I think it hurt for about 5 seconds because I can care less what the fuck all these people think of my acting because I was the person on the screen not them. So, due to the fact that I was chosen and not them shows a lot about skill…no matter what anyone wants to state. I can not care about others opinions because if I did that would show lack of self in my case. I was young, it was my first acting debut, of course I sucked. By still it was I on that “silver screen” not anyone else. So Doll---I really want to tell you to just not give a shit but I believe that you might just be doing that now.
Wedding is approaching—can I really care any less……………
Frog was home from work practically all day yesterday…oh what a complete joy.
I have an interview next week that I really don’t know much about. I am hoping that this will in fact be the one and I will be able to move on in my motivated lifestyle. I really do believe that this will be a learning experience as well as a milestone in my life that will definitely be critiqued for a long time by others around me but I really do have to do what is best for me and my life and isn’t this what the fight was about anyway….how I am not in fact living my life the way that I want to and to my fullest potential and be happy about it. That is my main gripe about all the bs going on. I really need to just get over myself and this pseudo dream around me. It will never be, so, I need to really totally except that as well as have others understand as well. Not like I really care what everyone is going to say and think- and of course it will all be harsh. But my strength is coming, slowly but surely, to its full power and I really need to use it all to make myself successful and do everything to the best of my ability. I need back the self I lost and gain the life I wanted and that was semi taken away from me. I definitely am entitled to be selfish right now.
I am in fact hoping that the “dream” will in fact be a reality, as I have no doubt in my mind that I will not be able to accomplish my goals. But the rest of the stuff I guess I‘m speaking relationship/friendship wise, I have nothing to do with at the moment-I will just sit back and wait letting the river take its course. Because if it is meant to be, which I agree within myself it definitely is a long shot, but if it in fact does occur I would be truly grateful to even have such an experience. I do believe chemistry will be there but if not anything more a great friendship will defiantly be made. I am a very strong woman and I am very confident that if we do meet it will go my way. But then again which way am I going?? LOL honestly it has been of course haunting my mind ever since words were exchanged and I really hope that it will come to be –when I don’t know but I hope soon because it would be nice to just relax for one night and have someone entertain my mind for once so I can shut up and listen to another person and be intrigued with their personality and dare I say it “Eat, Drink And Be Merry” of course that will be that case. ‘tis moi that we are talking about….
Ill give it a couple more days ...then I promise never to bring it up again.
This is when my lazy ass angel gets off his fat Italian ass and gives in to his role...whatever that is!
P.S. I really hope he doesn’t ever read this. It reads kind of immature from an adult stand point but then again it is only a dream-right?
Walkin on Broken Glass
My weekend totally sucked. End of story. People are dumb but for some incredibly strange reason I have tons of energy today and no I was not downing red bull and vodkas so don’t ask.
Mothers day really was yet another day of confrontations and fights—drama by the tons not to mention broken glass. This was not with my family but with Frog. Like what happened to having a “Happy” holiday.
The wedding is Saturday—is anyone available to keep me sane? I’m being thrown into a packed room full of the unknown at some fancy restaurant—“eat, drink and be merry”—will do completely but still have a problem with the dress- really sucks.
Ok so I’m arrogant, unappreciative and have a big Italian mouth-I know that all already but I mean why on earth does no one except me see the stupidity that is found in my associates? I mean I live in another state so call me up, and not any of your tons of friends and family that live all around you, while I’m busy doing nothing special and ask me to walk your dogs because your 5 minutes away from your house sick at your parents house. Answer me this……..why cant your parents just ride over to you house yet again just 5 minutes away and walk your dogs. But I’m a cruel person for stating the yet obvious questions. I am perplexed and yet again flabbergasted at the minute minds of everyone. Is it funny that my sister is the only one intelligent enough to see what I see in situations and know that they are incompetent? I laugh it off now but drank the confusion away then. And being stuck in a car with Frog for a couple of hours didn’t help. Can I say Psycho…?? Yes, I will and I did.
No answer yet- not like I am beginning to care like last time. But then again last time I gave up on him he did in fact pull through.
Yes it is official-NYC here I come in the next week. Having not been down there in quite sometime I can not friggin wait to explore all that have opened up and closed down since I’ve frequented the area. *****but I will not go to the snotty restaurant-- that will go nameless for good reasons— that decided to serve us, their well paying customers, FLY SOUP! **** Ahem! Upper East Side! Hahaaaa!
Little Italy here comes….. ME!
Italiani grandi della bocca! AKA One Hot Stromboli!
So fast forwarding way to quickly in the process—I totally came up with the incredibly ingenious ending to book 2 –have I typed it all up yet or wrote it down—of course not –I’ve turned into a fat lazy skinny person!
So California is in full blast for September—if we stop at all we have the choice of Denver or Vegas----we think that if we stop in Vegas we won’t make it to Cali but that’s just our instincts talking.
IN conclusion-----I have way too much energy for a Monday and need my angel to do his job yet again before I sell him to some kid in Ethiopia. And man do I need a glass of wine or 10!
T G I F!
My week was boring except for the night I got drunk and decided to yell at my refrigerator because the door broke. It was a good 5 minutes before I could stop laughing- at myself by myself. It feels real good when you have drunken moments in the company of your totally sober roommate and they pay no mind to you.
Well to continue with roomie news – it’s done right after the final wedding of the last couple of weeks. Really someone needs to tell people around me to stop getting married so I can go back to having a life on the weekends. But then again I’m usually drinking anyways so I guess it’s nothing new except for the dress and heels—which I still have to get for the other up and coming nuptials next week. Then hopefully-after this one- I won’t have another wedding till next summer and that’s gonna suck because then I’m gonna have to track down a fun date because there is no way in hell that will bring some random loser to one of my family functions. We eat way too much food, drink way too much alcohol, dance to all those stupid songs, and be merry -well sometimes a little too merry but what the hell its all in good fun. I actually love my 100% Italian family because they are the only family I know that is incredibly crazy and fun- and wine crazy.
Well actually vodka too- what the hell if you can drink, eat and have one hell of a good time, are intellectual (on my behalf) and wanna have a good time, come be part of my family for the day-we are always looking for new recruits. I mean it – once someone enters into a family party no matter who the hell you are –or yes-even if you’re not Italian-you are definitely family for the day. And its awesome…I must admit. Wonder if he’ll be here next summer……?
No answer yet-but no news is good news…….might be busy- people do have more constructive lives then I.
Mother’s day is now killing me —I just don’t wanna go shopping. Actually I must be the only girl I know that hates to shop-gives me a headache. Yeah nice daughter I am. I know I said I could kill 2 birds but I just feel like crap this week.
Thinking bout booking those plane tickets A.S.A.P. –think I’ve been saying that for quite some time now………..
Going down the city with my sis and hubby soon. I’m actually looking forward to getting out of these friggin trees to admire the concrete jungle for awhile. Maybe I’ll get lost down there for awhile…she does have two says off then the weekend. There’s gotta be an available box to camp out it. HAHAHHAHAAA!
In tanning news it looks dare I say it –kinda funky.
Luna slept at the end of my bed last night- it was cute until I realized that this is what I might have to look forward to for the rest of my life….which brings me to my last rant of the day...hopefully…men.
Due to my crazy friend I honestly believe now that I will never get married. Or even if prince charming does come and ask I will look at him with deep skepticism. Don’t know where or how but she has a never ending line of married men that she is forever going out with. Now I don’t know about you but I definitely don’t want something previously owned. Not saying that they are bad people (she is…cough cough) but I’m saying THEY ARE FRIGGIN MARRIED! The ring is there to tell you- “move away from the man.” There once was a time where I really honestly believed that things we going to work out in my favor but that moment soured faster then I could finish the celebratory bottle of Moet and Chandon’s White Star. But still -even if things did work out point is- how can I trust him –nor any man- when she is getting all these married men to break their vows. It’s sickening because I mean she is my friend and all and I just can’t believe that she’s doing this. It is a totally lack of disregard for people and it immature.-kinda revolting in a way too. Well can’t believe the man too for that matter –takes two. He is also in the wrong. Whatever-it just makes me mad and so confused. I really will look at guys a whole lot deeper from now on because if I am ever to get married I’m not gonna ever cheat- if that is a question in my mind I won’t waste my time getting married in the first place. I mean what’s the point- you gonna get divorced so what the hell was the point of getting married then? I really don’t feel like spending thousands of dollars, shopping for a dress, and all the rest of that wedding crap, to have that one special day just to end it in like 5 years anyways. That’s a waste of life. And I’m totally not about that.
This brings me to the point of her money hungry ways. What posses her to go after filthy rich married men is beyond me. Money can’t make everything in life that friggin grand. I rather have a guy that I can connect with, then connect with his bank account. Sad really. Well bottom line yeah I hope my someone is out there but if he is married I just hope he tells me soon so I can start looking for my someone #2.
Self TAN-Me
Well today no drama –I love days like this. Fresh hot cup of coffee and a clear mind.
Mother’s day is Sunday which means I have to go shopping –but I also have to get yet another dress for the other wedding so I guess I can kill 2 birds with one stone. So that makes me feel a little better. The thought of a packed mall with crazy people rushing around just makes my head hurt. But I doubt I’ll have an issue with getting mom a present.
Frog likes to think that issues just go away if you refuse to discuss them. Which is fine when I have had one drink to many and start yelling at the fridge door for breaking when u open it. I’m guessing from an outsiders point of view I wouldn’t have spoken to me either. Main fight of the evening was yet again power of the TV. I watch like 2 shows a week like god –why? I do not find the need to sit my ass in front of the TV on a daily basis and watch the nothingness that fills up the daily schedule. Grabbing control over the TV for a mere 2 hours ( if even that) is so horrible then why not read a book instead of sitting there complaining about the show or flipping to another channel during commercials so that I miss half my show anyway?!
But actually my whole point of writing today is sort of comical. SELF TANNERS. I have to know why-why-why-the sudden explosion of self tanners on the market today? Yes I totally understand the need for people to be safer due to the harmful rays of the sun –but really does that mean that we ALL wanted to bake ourselves in the sun to get that glow? I need not go around all year long with a fake and bake glow nor the real thing. I burn easily, I’m fair, I like my color. I am damn proud of my graveyard tan and actually look a bit odd any darker then I am-which I do not get anyways because I turn as pink as Piglet, then burn then get that I guess “tan” that totally throws off my make up and forces me to buy more colors to go with my new skin. See why I don’t like it. But anywho….last year I did buy one----that I’ve tried 2 times with horrible blotchy results. Now I once again jumped on the band wagon of buying one of those new self proclaimed lotions that give you a hint of “glow” after a week. Ok—now a week is a long time to see the color-makes me nervous but then again I haven’t found botchy skin yet so I’m guessing that this is a good sign. I dunno. We’ll see cuz I mean after ya spend a couple bucks on the crap anyway ya just forced yourself to try it out. I’m just hoping I don’t wake up at the end of the week with gorgeous glowing spots all over my body.
wonderful weekend.........or was it??
So I haven’t written in a couple of days—yeah life has been entertaining woke up sat morning to still no coffee and someone telling me to get dressed for –yes-the wedding. Now I don’t know about you but I take days to get ready for stuff like this-I just want to look myself-but myself x’s 2! Had to do my nails get my dress and crap it sucked considering the fact that I haven’t worn one in a looong time! When u wear skirts for 12 yrs of ur life u don’t wanna wear anything like it ever again. So I had to buy panty hose –had to call my mom, I forgot how to! Crazy but I pulled through. Swear to god-it said 1:00 on the invite but even with the traffic and panic attacks we arrived on time with the limo right in front of us when we got to the church. The ceremony was nice- n long- and made me realize—wow I’m never gonna be that ever. I can’t see myself up there with a guy that I would be giving my life to. He's probably out there but even if he is the ceremony scared me a little further from him. It was ….deep. Frog had to get sized for a tux in between the wedding n reception—we had 3 hrs to kill. I changed into my more formal dress. And now thank god- it fit perfect—I looked hot- I was soo happy. It’s a deep plum color –clingy in the right places—it’s the little purple sister of the little back dress. Whatever I looked good hence I felt good—never did get a picture of me in it though. I ate –yes I drank-wine, champagne, wine, vodka, rum, champagne, wine, vodka, wine…. I was not hung over to say the least. I danced all by my lonesome with random people—I did the electric slide! Got laid –haha not that one—ya know during the conga line…yes I soled out to the music –what? I was enjoying myself. Or was the alcohol enjoying taking advantage of me….
Sunday morning awoke to misery—frog decided that is should awake at 7. I thought other wise. We stayed over the lovely liar’s lair and left for home which was good—I wasn’t hung over, awake, and had coffee –I was awake at 8 am-this is a plus. But not all can be merry for long.
Frog thought this will be a “together” day-so I got dressed and was out the door by 12. We get on the road...to my dismay I am informed via him on the cell phone informing his friend that we are en route to some place to go fishing? Who the hell do I look like --long john silver…I was not pleased. I am a city girl-I will never succumb to things like that. Well the place was not the intended 45 mins as his friend had said but 3 hours. I’m pissed off now—we finally get there to where the beach was soo gross I called it a dump-no beach i've seen is ever that filthy. 3 hours home –not a happy camper.
Moral of the story –know where ur headed before u step out for a day with ur friends.
In other news I wrote doll back –again. I’m not getting my hopes up –we’ll see what happens. I’m hoping ill be happy about this but saying that the liquid in your glass is in the middle is always a safe route to go. Ill choose that one.
cheesin again!
yes yes yes! i smile yet agin- great timing i must say but still as perfect as the last. if i could actually get intellectual right now i would be my mind is ....riiiight. i will say one thing before ending abruptly i have a new character i cant wait to add to book 2. the boy character that i have in it is going to have a dramatic change in the next chapter and i think i have the right person to base him on. fantastic! btw i mean the actual book htat i am in the middle of writting- it was not a metaphore for my life which i put down alot. funny the master mimicks his work in so many ways.
PS at least i have that horribly cheesey grin upon my glowing face again and that makes things soo much better right now-thanks doll!
Creative Genius at work!
Last night before going to bed I went into one of those creative genius moments I get. Usually it’s the perfect moment to write stuff for my books but this time I had the urge to write a note to roomie discussing my –I don’t really know what it was just absolutely creative so I kept a copy –maybe I can strategically place it into one of the novels. Also when he left last night I found it amusing that he went and discussed this whole torrid venture with non other them the lovely liars themselves and they were all about his side of everything…well isn’t that convenient. I really can care less what Frog wants others to think of me because now all I care about is my happiness success and mental state which if you haven’t noticed has been severely f’d with this past week and in reality it’s been longer then that but what ever –here’s the letter in its entirety—
I feel that it is the right time for us to put our feel forward towards the success and happiness that will be our future. We-as a “Team” see out utmost defeat. And as an athlete you should realize that it’s not always cool to be on the losing team. So it is time to throw in the final resignation papers- as is been going on for a very long time now. Our lives-separate-not together- are at definite stalemates that are both unhealthy and hurtful. The years have been long/hard/short sweet- a definite mix of all things life deals out to its unwilling victims-but now we have become victims of one another. Ending it now is not “giving up” its “giving in” before the bloodshed-which is the mature thing to do. If you do not agree nor understand-take your time-feel free to use a dictionary-and most of all find your truth-the heart/mind/soul you have hid for so long, almost forever. Just remember some goodbyes are not forever- they are just pauses between happiness and pain. ME
WOW it was deeply saturated with mostly unnecessary stuff a bit of cockiness thrown in at one point and the quote at the end masterful-how the hell I-me- made that up I will never know. I’m telling you when I get this creative surge in me and cant stop and must let it free and when I do I wake up to find stuff like this jotted down in my notebook and feel as if at some point that wasn’t me talking it was something inside me. Crazy huh?
ME............... at last
ya know what a giant lightbulb just hit me hard in the face tonight and i suddenly turned into me again-the hard ass who does give a shit about any guy who feels that they will take everyone down with them when they fail. im not a loser nor will i ever be-i attended the best schools, have an intellectual level that far exceeds the mere mortals that recently surrond me and i will let no one take me down from the level of superiority i feel that i am on. as smug as it sounds i dont care anymore. how much crap can one tiny person eat. so yeah short and sweet im back and im stronger then ever. im movin on and moving back home! well to my home town not home. ill have my own place --mine-me me me! no friggin irritable roomie that harrasses the hell out of me-its my time to shine and i will not be dirtied by anyones bull shit. i was making arrangements to go see my flower friend earlier tonight but now i cant go spending money on a plane ticket when i need every penny to get the hell out of here. doll this is when you should enter! hahaha-in short- (so i can finally get some sleep) my angel finally grew his balls back-just in time -i got my other wish --no more weddings! haha sucker- dont worry think im cocky now- wait till i wake up tommorow with no coffe and the hurting realization that i now have to find a really good job to support my new pad sans roomie. but with determination and my thick italian head -anything is possible. and will be.. there is no failing- only success and god does it smell good!
Stuff
So my friend came over last night we ate drank talked shit and if was extremely entertaining. Made dinner-steak- nice! To lazy to go outside and throw it on the grill though. My perplexing prob of the night wondering why she brought over a large bottle of Smirnoff and then a corona? That’s like eating pickles and ice cream just don’t mix. –unless of course u like that good for you! We tried to figure out our trip to California which I'm not even sure I can go on due to the fact that I don’t have money for it. But it wasted time. Then with all the money we don’t have we were planning to go to Disney Las Vegas and Hollywood while we are there. Déjà vu- I think I've said this all before. Well whatever-then spent the rest of the night looking at web junk---funny funny funny! But some I was just not drunk enough to fathom how the hell anyone could find them amusing. But I digress.
In further news I totally lost my mind about these weddings-I would rather be hung by my feet then attend these functions now—its just going to bring up crap I rather not even think about. It was nice to have one wedding this year and one next summer not 2 in a row and then the knowledge that I have to do it all again next summer. At least I’m now a bridesmaid or something because honestly I think id decline the position before I got trapped in a pink tulle frill they call a dress.
No response but then again I know why-it didn’t make any sense. The first line didn’t make sense as I found out last night and it’s just the fact that I now feel extremely stupid for doing that. God I mean wtf? Hopefully he's a nice enough person to laugh while deleting it from his inbox!
Frog is the biggest jerk ever –shared popcorn with us last night –ya wanna know how much –I swear –a quarter of the extremely tiny cup. Like was it meant to be funny cuz it wasn’t. The only funny part of it was that I poured them all out and started to divide them amongst ourselves. One for me-one for u! hahaha-I love my humor.
I am a firm believer in “you are what you eat” I haven’t eaten out in wow –a long time- and my nails are back to there extremely long talon ness (lol), my skin couldn’t look better and my hair –well its always my strength. Since the nice weathers a coming-haha- I thought that maybe I should try to ditch my graveyard tan before these weddings so in my glory I decide to use one of those self tanners on just my legs. Thank god it was just my legs considering it looked like I had some horrible disease. Then tried everything in my bathroom to get rid of the blotches. Hopefully it’ll fade before Saturday. Really I need to not care and accept my whiteness. I never tan so maybe that’s just me graveyard girl! Hahaha---at least I’m laughing.
Well I guess that’s all until later!
Doll please except that girls can be stupid sometimes and delete with kindness-frog jump away- please god don’t make anymore people around me get married- unless its me –which will never happen –I take that back please don’t send me a stalker whose dreams of marriage are with me. And to all those wanting a nice glow- ditch the tanners –lepercy is not the look this year!
Crazy Cat Lady Serves Up the Wedding Dish
Today is Luna (Luno’s) birthday. I ma not some crazed cat person- I just happen to love my cat not all cats. I had one back home Spooky and then they got Moosh a stray. But me- I got Luna a beautiful Russian Blue that my dad brought me. I guess some guy at my dad’s job brought in a box and left it in his office –it was a small grey cat. My dad and others took care of the cat for 3 days till finally my dada asked what he was going to do with it. I guess his wife didn’t know if they should take it or not I dunno-anywho-my dad told me about this cat and I had this weird feeling- and having never seen it I wanted it. So I get a phone call-be ready im coming up now with the cat! YEA! It was so small n cute-I guess the way most baby anything’s are. And so grey. I had no clue what to name it after my dad said that everyone said it was a girl cat. I don’t like girl names. So after almost a day of it having no name it dawned on me –Luna the name for the cat on Sailor Moon the original name I had wanted to give spooky because he was a black Siamese as Luna was. (FYI- Luna means moon in Italian – luna bella being beautiful moon –but really it is in fact a Latin word in origin- so you would say it is Latin where you believe it is a dead language or not and want to pass it along to the next language in use today. so if any of you wanna fight me and say its Italian you will lose!) So Luna got bigger and then we found out around Christmas n new years that well LunA was really a LunO –yeah girls don’t have balls. So hence the new name Luno Bello –it was only fair and he responds to both –probably confused as all hell being that I will randomly talk French and Italian to him. But we figured out that today is approximately his birthday and he seems happy with the notion especially the big breakfast he ate. Funny this is we do have this odd connection. I mean being as it is I believe in the idea of familiars and that spirits can be in them. Spooky is my grandma- when ha was a kitten he would lay next to her picture and stare at it. In Luna’s case I dunno who the hell he is but I love him. I think he might me a reincarnation of all the animals I had as a kid because I always said that I always wished that they could have a longer life-being that they were only a newt and hamster with a very short life span compared to a cat. Well what ever the hell it is—HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUNO BELLO! To many many many more I love you my little cartoon cat!
PS__i found out the other night that my sisters boyfriend has 2 house in Calabria that he rents out—my question why did I not know this when I had money and time to spare?? So if someone wants to go with me please appear out of thin air within the next week with luggage and an alcoholic desire to sample every wine we come it contact with along our route from Rome to Calabria. Thank you.
PPS. Oh more FYI I am totally over said email I mean I have to really stress the fact that for once in a long time I had a nice smile on my face but after that this gonna and replaced with the grimace of realizing that the moment has passed and now I have 2 wedding to look forward to none being mine-like it would ever be-but still this whole wedding scene it making my ill –no not green with envy just grossly ill. I am a romantic but im not gross –I find no need to spend money on flowers-they die anyway-screw the guest list and 10 bridesmaids are a small army. Your getting married-which is no matter what religion u are of –vows being exchanged by two people- and the reception just food and alcohol. I don’t care about the god damn centerpieces –the small armies hideous color of dress not to mention your fathers drunken toast- those are all moments that will end but not end the pang of hunger I will feel if I don’t get my fill of food at your reception and if the food sux I would probably make up for it by ordering way too many drinks which will suck the next morning when I have a hang over and am cursing the fact that I just dished out well earned $ on gift dress and everything else needed to accommodate my self and there’s and I didn’t even get a descent meal out of it just a great old hang over. Instead of drinking my self into happiness I shoulda just found my way into the kitchen to get some cookies or something. Ill be humble-bread-I don’t care as long at it will feed me. And what’s with the need to ask what you want to eat out of the 3 options when only 1 is decent. Like why waste ink? When I was actually in love-yeah when was that??....- I found this darling little place that gave u 22 dinner options and food non stop-cake n all the trimming yeah of course it was expensive but who cares after spending the last week or two not eating, stressing about whether or not this is your life mate and such –your definitely gonna pat your self on the back when the food is never ending as well as outstanding. Maybe I should see if the place needs a spokesperson being that I will never wed. I have also heard thousands of times –“I never ate at my wedding” oh well sucks for you huh? I don’t care how smug this comes off as but if I ever do get wed it will be a complete and total honor to be invited to MY wedding. And I am gonna want to eat drink and be merry and if someone has a problem with that ill tell them to double the amount of the check in that envelope cuz I did not spend hours making sure the food was superb just to look at it or worse pose for pictures! Great u came- ive got a ring suffocating my finger for the rest of eternity- im actually for once in my life wearing white –I had to carry flowers and now u expect me to not eat……..? Yeah a picture is worth a thousand words—just deduct a couple hundred if you’re not in it.
honestly I don’t know anymore…………………………………
This morning I could not open my eyes at all. Luckily last night I was able to fall asleep. But not after my attempts where put to a halt because roomie came home. Like nothing has happened at all this past week. I honestly believe that he must have short term memory loss or something. Then finally after I snuggled in bed put my head on the pillow my friggin cell rings-of course I know who this was. The one friend that I had talked to earlier in the day who coulda gave a shit less about everything. Not like I tell her anything personal that affects my life or relationship anymore because she usually brushes me off so like I get it now. But still it kills me. I mean I may be a honestly straightforward person but im not heartless. Yet people never cease to amaze me.
Since I now have 2 weddings in 2 weeks I finally came to the conclusion that my life cant be that bad –really. I mean damn I could try to be putting together a lie-I mean wedding together. The cream on the cake is he is my date to both and I am supposed to smile. This is when some magic should happen n a guy should appear to save the day. The first “gorgeous” dress I had for wedding 1 is now a dress that makes me look 10 my little back dress lost its umph and the plum one looked spectacular as the loser in me strutted the empty house seeing how awesomely fantastic I felt. Words still cannot describe how hot I looked and for once in a long time felt. So to make my self feel better I put on a cute skirt outfit –but that lasted an hour. Listen –if u wore skirts your whole entire school career you wouldn’t want to wear them ever again either.
So I now have the great urgency to find another dress asasp!
Talked to one of the lovely liars today-funny how alike we are but of course sans the lies. Sometimes people get in so deep. But info today was how the rents are still making crap about missy and her need to be part of a family that she isn’t even a part of! Damn man why did I have to pick the one person in the world that has the most screwed up family ever. I mean as a family –parents-siblings and their significant others-I can’t believe the gossip lies fights drama n more that accompanies ever discussion and or moment involved within the family. They are f'kin psycho! I have no other words to say that’s mainly it in a nut shell. Yet it doesn’t really say much for the fact that I now have the fabulous honor of spending the next 2 horrifying weekends in their presence with a “smile” on my face. Riiiiiiiiight!
Now I can go into my true matter regarding the first of the month. Not only the fact that it is rent day- it is –was- supposedly the only day of the whole month that I should be looking forward too. The one special day to rekindle old feelings and memories and maybe have a nice romantic dinner out. Yeah it was an anniversary. But what the hell right-get over it. But I think I would if the rent doesn’t remind me of it every month! Boy was I a fool in every aspect u could think of. April was hard to get through and get over it hurt I won’t lie but then I finally realized that it is in face over with and has been for some time and that it is finally time to move on all-round. I will never totally get over this one because of one little thing but then again it will come again maybe but the other thing will always tie us together and I really hope that in the future the next one will not use that against me. really its scary I haven’t been on a date in years haven’t been with someone else for so long-how will men react now-im not a teenager anymore im legal-and open but I don’t know if others will be and my definite lack of trust of others will really come back now. I mean the first time I open myself up to trusting someone and look what happens. Pure utter disaster. I doubt ill ever be right again but no one really needs to know every feeling going through this orbit of mine. Yet I believe that I will in fact suffer with finding the bottom of the barrel and never find the perfect guy or if in fact I do he will not be able to accept my ordeal .I’m a mess lately I haven’t been like this for years. my flowered friend turned around to me the other day and said something that almost broke me –she said that “you never let a guy so this to you before-you were always so strong-letting them chase you and getting rid of them before damage could be done what happened to you?” honestly I don’t know anymore…………………………………
